Adrian Silvester is not by nature a superstitious person but during bouts of deep depression, when his chattering mind hijacks his rational thinking, he is overcome by the fear that he is jinxed, which would account for years of persistent and extreme bad luck.
He is able to trace the origins of his mental health problems to a single traumatic episode in his childhood that left him emotionally scarred.
And he believes being plagued by further traumatising events in adolescence and adulthood rubbed salt into unhealed wounds, compounding his fragile mental state.
Adrian has given his depression a name: the Darkness. When the Darkness descends it is all-consuming; terrifying; isolating.
By telling his story, Adrian wants to highlight the obvious but often overlooked fact that coaches experience mental health problems too.
A National Governing Body qualification and extensive training on how to provide effective care and support for the people you coach does not grant you immunity from experiencing mental health issues yourself.
Such silver bullet thinking neglects the fact that mental health does not discriminate. It affects people of all ages, all genders, all ethnicities... and all professions.
Concealing my depression behind a ‘mask’
Unfortunately, as is so often the case, the realisation that talking helps to alleviate the adverse symptoms and behaviours of depression was all too slow to dawn on Adrian.
He says when he first began self-harming at the age of 13 after experiencing extreme anxiety, he would “put on a mask” to hide his feelings.
People wear masks to hide themselves from the world and portray another person. I would put the mask on to give people the impression that I was fine.
For years, until recently, I would hold in that I was hurting and take it out on myself as I was afraid to talk – afraid people would not understand; that they would fear me, see me in the wrong light and think that I was largely a failure and not worth their attention. To have these thoughts going through you is so debilitating.”
Adrian recalls the moment that his world was turned upside down.
He had just arrived home after a two-week stay in hospital with Appendicitis but on returning to school, his friends in Year 9 “thought it was fun to ignore me completely”.
Social cruelty amongst children can have lasting repercussions. The pain of rejection cut deep and being ostracised from his friendship group weakened his self-confidence, fed his insecurities, and would go on to have long-term physical and psychological consequences.
“I remember it vividly. It’s why I am always in fight or flight mode, forever alert for something to go wrong, and it started a journey of over 20 years of mental health problems.
“Since that trauma as a young child I have struggled to express my emotions and find it hard to tell people I am in pain. I also struggle to trust after what I went through.”
Heading deeper into the darkness
It was at university when the Darkness tightened its grip, and when, for the first time, Adrian had the courage to open up to medical professionals and counsellors about his mental health.
It was also established at university that he had dysgraphia, dyspraxia and dyslexia, lifelong learning disorders that had never been officially diagnosed at school.
His downwards spiral culminated in a particularly severe self-harm incident, which required hospital treatment and stitches in his chest.
After withdrawing from his course, he went on a trip around the world, but misfortune reared its head again when he badly injured his knee playing rugby.
His travel plans wrecked, it was, he says, another “mentally taxing” time.
He enrolled again at university the following year before finally accepting that “university life is not for me”.
“I struggled with the way people were judging me and treating me, unable to offer any support for my mental health problems, and I couldn’t cope with being on my own.
“The darkest times were always when I was alone. I had no one to physically stop me hurting myself. At least when someone was there, I could be strong and put the mask on to hide that I was fine.”
The positive link between coaching and mental health
Adrian, a Level 3 coach, has gone on to enjoy a successful career in rugby coaching and rugby development.
He worked in Brazil for four years, employed by a conglomerate of Premiership Rugby, the British Council and Land Rover in community development roles.
This included working on a number of social inclusion projects targeting young people in the favelas of Rio de Janeiro, and schools’ programmes in São Paulo.
It was also in Brazil that he met his wife.
A further highlight of his time in South America was coaching players from the Brazilian men’s and women’s team in the build-up to the Rio Olympic Games.
Living the dream, surviving the nightmare
On his return to the UK following the Olympics, Adrian got a job with London Scottish as a Community Rugby Coach and then joined Harlequins in the same role, before becoming Quins’ Rugby Development Officer for Sussex and Hampshire.
At first this was a dream come true. To work for the club I supported, what a feat, what an adventure and what an opportunity.”
In 2019 things took another turn for the worse when he was in a car crash and was off work for three months after suffering nerve damage to his leg.
And then…
Totally unrelated to the car accident but where I’d broken my neck, a bit of scar tissue had fallen off and it lodged in my heart. I had a seizure and wasn’t breathing. My heart stopped.
“At this time, I was also having operations on my leg from the accident, which still wasn’t fixed – and still isn’t four years later!
“It got to the point where I was mentally drained. I was showing symptoms of Multiple Sclerosis too, including spasticity [stiffness of muscle that interferes with movement]. I have since found out the spasticity is genetic and there is no medication, and I have had to learn to live with the pain in my joints and back. I still need crutches at times.”
The calamitous chain of events brought his coaching career to an abrupt end.
He left Harlequins (unable to drive and without the funds to get the train to work) and soon after left his role as Head of Junior Rugby and Coach Co-ordinator at his local rugby club, Tadley RFC, near Basingstoke.
Adrian is currently Deputy General Manager of a popular restaurant chain but is desperate to return to coaching and his “safe zone” after more than a year away from his life’s grand passion.
Adrian has also found solace and support through italk – a Hampshire-based NHS talking therapy service.
Opening myself up to others after years of isolation and shielding was a big step for me, and it’s one I now take gladly.”
‘Still a happy-go-lucky person’
In no way does Adrian’s mental health problems affect his competency as a coach.
He has always been able to detach his personal demons from his professional practice.
“I have the darkness and maybe I always will, but it will never affect my coaching or other people,” he says.
“You are not going to see any signs when I coach. It doesn’t stop me being a happy-go-lucky person. When I am in my safe space coaching, I feel great.”
Indeed, Adrian’s lived experience means he is perfectly equipped to provide practical, emotional, and psychological support to those experiencing mental health problems.
His history of living with mental illness has helped him become more empathetic and better able to help others by either finding solutions, or just being there for someone if they are troubled.
I can read the signs in people in seconds. I am able to relate to them and support them while quietly nudging them to seek professional help or inform the relevant safeguarding officer.
“I am always focused on fostering a positive attitude and an empowering mindset.
“I can sometimes struggle to help myself – which I think is quite natural – but I have helped loads of people through their own dark times.”
‘Always the sun will shine after the darkness’
Which brings us to the present day.
Adrian says he hasn’t self-harmed in nearly ten years.
And only yesterday, his doctor told him his resilience was something he should be proud of.
“She actually called me a ‘fantastically resilient person’.
It does help to remind myself that, while day to day it can be difficult sometimes, always the sun will shine after the darkness.”
About the Author:
Through our commitment to people, passion and progress, we’re taking the lead in coaching excellence.